Tuesday, May 26

My life will go on.

The path that I am heading now is a path where I have no idea where my destination is. I am just like a blind man; see nothing and know nothing what is going to happen in front. I am no longer the little girl who cares nothing at all. I am a grown up child who is going to be 19 years old this year that are now working and facing problem everyday. Sometimes I really want to tell everyone that I want to give up. Just give up everything. I really feel very tired. Sometimes I will ask myself. I am not even 20 years old but why I need to go through all this things? WHY? Why I need to go through all this went I am secondary? Why now people can go for further education but I got to work like a cow here?! Question left unanswered. Instead of giving up, I got to go on with my life. How am I going to give up?! Giving up what?! I have nothing to give up. I can’t give up my job. I can’t give up my family. I can’t give up my life. So what can I give up?! I really have no idea! But I really hate all this routines going on. I am extremely tired! Just so tired!

Things always go upside down for me. Whenever I hope to do something, it will just turn from the way I wanted. When I wanted to continue my study, everything seems good in the beginning but later on it turns from the way I wanted. And now, if I want to continue my studies, I got to give up my work. How am I going to survive then? Maybe I am being to negative but I really can’t see my future. Am I going to be like what I am now? If yes, I hope I can go on. If no, so what I am in the future? I have no idea.

Frankly, I hate what I am doing now. Like I said it’s a routine. This routine will be forever if I don’t move on? I won’t get a higher post due to I have only a SPM certificate where the results is not that good too. But, I can’t be working as what I am now another 10 years time! When I imagine that I just give a big laugh. When I am, uhm.. let’s says I am 30 years old, sitting here answering calls and doing the same things.. I can say that I will be ashamed of myself.

People always say my mom is a burden for me to move on. No! It is not true! I am not sure about anything and everything but I am so sure that my mom is not a burden for me. People ask me to just leave my mom and do something better. I’ll never do that. My dad left us when I am just 18 months old. My mom is the one who take care of me for all this years. Whatever she did, all is because of one reason – me. She can just leave me also because of the situation on that time. But she did not. She raises me up. Give me education. She always tells me that she have nothing to give me, only education she can. That’s why she always asks me to study. She never pressured me about my study. When I am in form 5 I stop schooling for a month or two. People say is all my mom’s fault. No! I stop schooling because I wanted to work. That time we are having very difficult time. As a mom, she already does what she can do. She even wants to leave me so that I can have a better life. She is the one who give up everything for me. If is not because of me she won’t have all this trouble. She will be living in Singapore working happily and maybe have a good husband =p. Who knows?! But she took the path where she knows it will be difficult for her and gone through this path with sweats and tears. She is a wonderful mom. If is not because of her, today, I might not be able blogging here. I might not even survive until today. She saves my life. All of this because of just one reason. SHE IS MY MOTHER. She has the responsibility to take care of me. That day, one of my friends says that my mom is not taking up the responsibility as a mother. It is so wrong for me to work and she staying in the house and waiting for my salary.
First, she is working. She is taking care of the little baby. Although my mom is a little bit dumb dumb because she charge people with the most “incredible” salary. RM300! Yeah! My mom is a soft hearted person. Anyway, secondly, she never waits there, do nothing and take my salary. Because my expenses is so high! Food, transport, daily stuff and so on. Thirdly, it is not wrong for her to take all my salary, because for 19 years she take good care of me. This is just a small portion I give back to her. Now, it’s the time for me to take care of her.
That’s why for me now; wherever I am going to go I’ll bring her with me. All of this because of just one reason. I AM HER DAUGHTER. I have the responsibility to take care of her.

Anyway, I should end it here. It has been a long time I post something so long. I feel like posting something long because Elisa says my post is so SHORT but end up something a little bit emo. So, Elisa are you satisfied with my “long” post now?

no matter what I have to move on .. for now..

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