The fear is back

Today back to the place I hate to be. Lying down for 45 minutes for the sake of the scans really make me nuts. Tears rolling down hoping I will be strong.

I just wanna

Be by your side..
Be the one you can rely on..
Be the one you will miss..
Be the one you can talk to..
Be the one that you will think of..
Be the one that you cant live without..

.....
Wake up!!!

18.5.2014

I wanted to clear this blog today. I wanted to delete this blog. I feel that the only way to start again is to delete everything. I have to erase everything from the past to start afresh. Although it has been years and I don't really care as I said, but at times it bothers me.

So well, instead of clicking the delete button, I clicked the new post button. I read through my old posts. I feel so silly with what I have posted in these years. My grammar is terribly terrible. I can feel how stupid and silly I was last time. I am so childish. I feel ashamed of myself. With all these I should really just delete this blog but I did not. I feel that these are the stupid memories I should keep. I should learn from the past to be a better me. The past is the past yet the past is the only way for me to learn. No one will teach me how to be a better me. I am the only person that can change myself. 

With this blog I remembered I used to have a bunch of friends that I always hang out together almost everyday. With this blog I remembered who betrayed me. With this blog I know what happen in 2009. Therefore, I decided to keep this blog. 

And now, I am back to the old me. 18.5.2014 

I am not going to care anything else. Even you whom I treasured a lot this year. I had enough and I gave up.

Listen

There are so many things that I wanted to talk to you. Will you just spare me some of your time to listen to me?

                           

Stubbornness

Because of my stubbornness,  I fall sick.  I never been this sick before. I thought that I can overcome this sickness but I was wrong. When the doctor was so serious and look at me, I know I am very sick.  He asked me why do I still go to work even when I have high fever already for 3 days.  I did not answer. 

I really thought that I can still manage my job. I wanted to clear off my job before I take my mc. I know that I have so many things that I haven't do. I know that people around me is chasing things.  I know that my boss is not happy with how I work. That's why I want to clear everything before I sick. But who am I to control when I get sick and when I don't. I am a stubborn person.  I went to work although I know how sick I am. Ended up I get worst and the work that I tried to do, I messed it up. So I left more mess for my bosses.
What happen to me is even worst. I can't even get up from my bed for 1 and a half day. Mom was so worried and nag me about my work. She ask me to give up this work if this is what happen to me. I couldn't eat for that 3 days. For the sake of taking medicine,  I have to force myself to eat tasteless biscuits with milo. I can't even finish the biscuit and milo. I know mom is angry with me. But I just can't eat. She can't do anything but just continue serving me biscuit and milo when the time to take medicine comes. 

Luckily now I am feeling better. Of course not completely recover but at least can manage to disguise. Told mom that I am much more better than I am now. Doesn't want her to worry and stop me from going to work.

Why am I so stubborn?  Sherina, stop being so stubborn.  No one will understand and appreciate. . .

A shoulder to cry on

It has been sleepless night. I know my body can't take it anymore. Looking at mom sick, I know that I should not fall sick. But, my mind do not allowed me to rest. It seems that my mind like to wander around at things that I should not even be thinking or problems that I can't solve.
Can I have a shoulder to really cry my heart out to release?

Random thoughts of mine

A million feelings. A thousand thoughts. A hundred memories. All for one person.
------

As I woke up in the morning,
I found out that I lost my gold ring,
It same goes for my feeling,
It has no more meaning.
-------

A million feelings. A thousand thoughts. A hundred memories. All for one person.

-
From happiness to confusion and now confused happiness. It's all linked together. It's okay for you to not understand what I am trying to say. It's no longer something that I wished to understand too. I exhausted myself a lot. Perhaps I should stop to try. No matter how much I try to do or what I have done, now I feel it's not getting anywhere. It's useless. I am tired for doing things that people don't appreciate or take me for granted.
-
I might look like I am strong but I am not.
-

I want to dislike you

Rúguǒ wǒmen cónglái méiyǒu yùjiàn
如果我們從來沒有遇見
If only we have never met before

Rúguǒ nà yītiān nǐ méi duō kàn wǒ yīyǎn
如果那一天你沒多看我一眼
If only that day you didn't take a second glance at me

Wǒ jiù bù huì xiàn jìn tián kǔ zhī jiān
我就不會陷進甜苦之間
Then I wouldn't have been trapped in between sweet and bitterness

Hái dānxīn shǎng wèi qíxiàn
還擔心嘗味期限
Worrying about taste of time

Second verse:
Wǒ de yòngxīn nǐ cóng méiyǒu fāxiàn
我的用心你從沒有發現
My gesture of kindness that you never realize 

Rúguǒ zhèyàng wǒ shìfǒu gāi shuō zàijiàn
如果這樣我是否該說再見
Should this be the reason for me to say goodbye

Dàoshǔ zài yīqǐ hái yǒu jǐ tiān
倒數在一起還有幾天
Counting down the days that we can be together again

Gǎnjué xìngfú jiù chà yīdiǎn
感覺幸福就差一點
Feels like happiness is getting closer

Chorus: 
Zhǐ néng huànxiǎng yīqǐ, dàn wǒ méi yǒngqì
只能想像一起，但我沒勇氣
I could only imagine us being together, but I don't have the courage

Suǒyǐ hěn xiǎng tǎoyàn nǐ
所以很想討厭你
That's why I really wish I could dislike you

Ài zěn méiyǒu xiànqí
愛怎沒有限期
why doesn't love have a deadline

Rú nǐ shuō céngjīng zàiyì
如你說曾經在意
if you said you once cared

Huì ràng wǒ hòuhuǐ tàiguò yāyì
會讓我後悔太過壓抑
That would make me regret for repressing my feelings

Zhǐ néng huànxiǎng tiánmì, wǒ bùnéng zìyǐ
只能幻想甜蜜，我不能自已
I could only picture the sweetness, I can't help myself

Suǒyǐ hěn xiǎng tǎoyàn nǐ
所以很想討厭你
That's why really want to dislike you

Méiyǒu nǐ de kōngqì, wǒ yào zěnme hūxī
沒有你的空氣，我要怎麼呼吸
How could I breath the air without you

Xiǎngshòu wǒmen zhī jiān xìngfú jùlí, xīndòng de huíyì
享受我們之間幸福距離，心動的回憶
Enjoying the distance of happiness between us, heartbeat memories.

Closed stranger

At times it seems that they are close to each other but at times they are like strangers that walk together.  Either they dare not show their true feelings or they do not have feelings for each other. 

Questions

I have a lot in my list.
But I chose not to go ahead to ask.

Stop and ponder

I need to stop and take a breath. 
I need to stop and rethink.
I need to stop and ask myself.
I need to stop and let go.
I need to stop and smile.
I need to stop and .......